[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.