I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The glockness monster
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.