I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Finally!
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
lmao
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.