me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
This 4th of July, please remember…
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND