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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.