If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok