TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.