Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.