Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
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Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house