me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college