[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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black phone good
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.