Autocarrot sucks!
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what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class