I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?