At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Oh deer
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
what does he know…
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing