No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.