I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“I will cook for you.” I threatened