Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.