[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.