Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “