I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
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Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.