I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.