[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
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I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
thanksgiving in nutshell
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?