ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille