Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
me logging onto twitter
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily