As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.