I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
saving face 👀
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Goodnight 🐶
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month