I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*