Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
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If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
tis the season
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.