Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?