look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster