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dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats