i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
buying dead houseplants to save time
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%