Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.