jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.