Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
School be like
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Not all heroes wear capes.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with