*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.