me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.