Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi: