If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
#NoRestForTheWicked