Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*