If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection