My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”