The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it