Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
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Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn