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MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?