set yourself free xox
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
My first child will be named New Folder.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough