🤣could you imagine
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
White Castle for the Win
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.