If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My first son he is wonderful
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I just tested negative for patience.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise