Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch