Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
You Might Also Like
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee